Susan Joan (Dach) Brinck

My mom is the best (This statement might be a little biased but I don't care).

Today she turned 58 and I couldn't feel more blessed to have the 5 foot Jewish woman in my life.

My favorite thing about her is that she finds herself in hilarious situations and I get to tell all of my friends about them, so here you go.

One time she got arrested, like handcuffed, mugshots (which I am still looking for), fingerprints, and spent a few hours locked up. I learned this gem of a story when I called to thank her for something she had sent me in the mail. When she answered the phone I knew something was off. I figured she had just been taking a nap and I had woken her. She shot that idea down with a response of "I've been crying all day." Immediately I went into inquisitive support mode asking her what was wrong. I was legit concerned for her and the possibility that the news could also be devastating to me. I quickly learned just how wrong I was. She told me that she had just spent the whole day locked up in jail. I tried so hard not to laugh but that is one of the hardest things for me to do. All of this drama was for a parking ticket that my brother got on her car which went unpaid and ultimately led to a missed court date. The best part is that the only reason she was arrested was because she was picking up my brother (yes, the one who got the original ticket) from jail. Weekly, I picture her balling her eyes out behind bars and it makes me chuckle every time (no need for any commentary on if this makes me a bad son).

Another time I got a text from my brother that said "mom shit herself lol." I was in a quiet coffee shop and legit fell out of my chair laughing just trying not to pee myself. I called to inquire further about this predicament. Robert filled me in and said my mom called him and in a straining panic said "open the garage door, open the door to the house, and open the bathroom door. I don't feel good and I'm on my way home." He described her movement from the car to the bathroom as the fastest he had seen her do anything. A little while later he heard her calling him from the bathroom saying "Rob, go get me my robe, I need to take a shower."

Another time she thought it was appropriate to tell me about a stripper that she had got for one of the ladies who worked in her old salon. His name was Tod the Bod. I started screaming in the car for her to stop but she thought it was funny to see me squirm in awkward tension that was filling the car. She went on to tell me "Greg, you should have seen his thighs." Sweet innocent Suze was no more.

My mom is a hardened criminal who sometimes shits herself all while apparently loving man thighs. What more could a son ask for?